Now i think i must of missed the hype, because yes the book is a good read, yes the film is probably going to be 2 hours not completely wasted. But why would you want to go to the cinema, with 200 random people, to watch some free mild porn? Or maybe not so mild if they really go for it with this film. The possibilities of awkwardness are endless. Just think, what if you get sat next to someone who’s come alone. And they’re being….creepy?! NO THANK YOU. There are a lot of things i would rather do, a lot. Sorry Christian, you’re not appealing to me whilst on a big screen!
1. Listen to Pitbull on repeat for 24 hours. Oh Pitbull, the kind of man who is probably going alone to watch this film, fitting.
2. Run into a swarm of bees.
3.Have everybody talk to you in only ‘txt spch’.
4. Shoot myself, in the foot. Again and again and again and again and again and again.
5, Attach 1000 leeches to my body and watch them slowly suck the blood out of my body.
6. Sit in a room with Kristen Stewart and tell her endless jokes that you find hilarious just to be shot in the soul when she never even cracks a smile.
7. Only ever drive in rush hour for the rest of my life.
8. Watch the end of Titanic on repeat. Life time of anger of that stupid cow letting go of Jack, we all know there is enough space for two on that piece of wood
9. Play musical chairs on power drills.
10. Wax my eyebrows off, never to return.
11. Relive School. On a loop.
12. Be the inspiration for Taylor Swifts next album.
13. Be a guest on Loose Women, it’s hard enough watching the squawking over the TV never mind next to you.
14. Be Perez Hilton (if you watched CBB you will know why, wrong on so many levels)
15. Watch the Ross and Rachel break up episode on Friends.
16. Rip of my toe nails with pliers.
17. Get a bikini wax.
18. Be modeled around the guests of Jeremy Kyle.
19. Go for a swim wearing concrete boots.
20. Be stuck in a confined place with the mums of ‘Toddlers and Tiaras’
21. Be awoken everyday for the next month by a kick to the tit.
22. Actually eat a horse.
23. Suck a toe.
24. Fall passionately in love with a object.
25. Drink milk three weeks past it’s expiration date.
26. Watch paint dry.
27 . Take my shoes off at a club at 3am, you know once the floor has really had a good chance to become sticky and a trail of glass and bodily fluids.
28. Only have my tagged photos shown on Facebook, attractive.
29. Drop a kettle bell on my foot.
30. Walk over floor covered in Lego.
31. Not realise my skirt is tucked into my tights for a day whilst wearing the most god awful underwear i own.
32. Never find out who ‘A’ is on Pretty Little Liars.
33. Peel 1,000 potatoes with a plastic knife.
34. Never shave ever again.
35. Have to say ‘yolo’ in every conversation i have for a week. Goodbye friends.
36. Never being blessed with the sound of Morgan Freemans voice ever again.
37. Get sunburn, pour boiling water on said sunburn.
38. Have everyone’s dog take a shit in our garden and our garden only. With only tiny poo bags to clean it all up with.
39. Have my hair cut with crinkle cut scissors.
40. Get stuck in an lift with my ex’s.
41. Forget what pizza is.
42. Have nails that take an hour to dry. The pain.
43. Constantly suffer from the mysterious boob itch.
44. Clean a public toilet with my toothbrush.
45. Have the only outfit i own be a matching velvet tracksuit. In the most obnoxious colour too.
46. Only ever become sick after eating a pot noodle. Noodles out the nose are the worst.
47. Answer every cold call and spend an hour talking to each one accepting any and every offer they give me.
48. Repeatedly hit my funny bone.
49. Develop an allergy to puppies and kittens.
50. Write a list of 50 things i’d rather do than watch 50 Shades Of Grey.